Happiness, love and musings on the infinite circle

While driving to a meeting yesterday (which, it turns out I was one week early for – yes, it’s been that kind of week) and listening to NPR, I heard an interview with author Gretchen Rubin, of the NY Times bestselling book, The Happiness Project. The Happiness Project is a memoir of the year Gretchen spent “test-driving” wisdom and advice from gurus across time and space to see if she might capture the secret (or secrets) of living a truly happy life.

During the interview, the NPR host asked something to the effect of, “Isn’t a book such as this a rather narcissistic pursuit? Is happiness just about one’s self?” To which the author had a somewhat-to-the-effect-of reply,”One of the most pernicious [word of the day: Pernicious - adjective: injurious/hurtful] myths about happiness is that it’s selfish to want to be happy. In fact, happy people donate more money, are more altruistic and do more for the good of others. The desire to be happy gives you the resources to make other people happy too.”

So happiness is a circle with no end and no beginning. Self happiness leads to happy others; making others happy leads to a happy self (we explored the later part of this argument in a post earlier this week). On and on it goes…

Makes sense.

But this got me thinking – with all our talk of showing our love for others this Valentine’s Day- does love work the same way? Does loving ourselves open the door for loving others more fully and completely?

A hunch tells me it does.

Yet as an admitted Type A, always on the go, on-to-the-next-thing mom/woman/friend/business owner/volunteer, I admit: it can be very, very hard to make the time for taking care of (e.g. loving) oneself. It’s hard enough not to arrive for meetings one week early. And yet, I know how very important self nurturing is. I’ve seen with my own over-achieving eyes how when I get more sleep, take a yoga glass, write in my journal, or read a great memoir that I have more energy and enthusiasm for encircling those around me in the love I feel for them. It’s cliche, but it’s true: We can’t take care of others if we don’t take care of ourselves. I know this and yet, it can be so very hard to do! Especially when it’s so very easy to convince myself that “there’s no time/money/energy/need” to nurture my own precious garden.

Okay, so what’s the key?

Of course, the actions of loving one’s self is different from one person to the next, but I’m guessing it all comes down to what could be called “The Platinum Rule”: Treat ourselves as we would treat other people.

(Or, if that feels sacrilege: “The Be Nice to Everyone (& Don’t Forget You Are an Everyone) Rule.”)

What a concept, eh?

While The Golden Rule is ingrained in young minds to encourage compassion and empathy, somewhere along the way, for some certain people (no finger pointing here, but if you have a vowel in your name and you have a habit of answering to the names Mommy, Mom or Mummy), The Golden Rule may lead to not treating “you” as good as one should. The pendulum swings too far in the other direction.

It seems like a middle ground approach might be the best bet, and might give the eternal circle of happiness and love the most momentum.

I don’t have all the answers, but I’m thinking this might carry some nuggets of truth.

So for me, Type A as I may be, if I were to take this approach I might just draw my inspiration from mothering my own children (striving to mother myself a bit): perhaps taking care of my boo-boos (rather than ignoring them), reading myself a nighttime story, drawing for no reason other than to experience the sheer creative bliss of it, asking for a hug when I need one, or laughing with pure abandon when the mood strikes even if I have food in my teeth or am waiting in line at the DMV.

What I’m trying to say, dear readers, is that what makes us feel happy, loved and cared for is uniquely individual and yet the end result is so entirely universal. But we can’t gain full access this amazing and endless circle unless we are able to love ourselves.

So, I come full circle…

Happy, loved people give happiness and love. Those who give love and happiness receive it. And, as much as Type A’s may deny that the laws of physics, time and sleep apply to them, the laws of love and happiness are, indeed, the same for everyone.

You + Love = You, loved.

You + Happiness = You, happy.

You + happy = Happier others.

Happier + others = Happier world.